THROWBACK OF THE DAY: I'm Sick (cough, cough) by Ginger Snap

I knew Friday afternoon that I wasn't going to come into work on Monday. It was just one of those "girl, f*ck that job" moments. For once I wanted to sleep in, watch Oprah in my pj's and relax. The only problem was in figuring out what excuse I was going to use. They were worse than the military at my job. I swear you had to damn near bring in your doctor to the office to validate your absence. My arsenal of lies was running low. My dog died twice, I had a bladder infection, the runs at least three times a month, a sleep walking grandmother, an emotional breakdown every other week, and the only brand new audi on the market that broke down once a month. Needless to say, the people in HR weren't exactly inviting me to their after work socials. With my tank of "good" excuses running on empty, I had to come up with something before Monday.

It was Sunday evening and I was ready to put my plan into action. I was going to pull one of the classics. I was going to call and leave a voicemail on my boss's machine and explain that I was having a severe emergency and would not make it to work the next day. I mean, who in the hell is in the office on a Sunday? My boss would most likely check her messages late Monday evening and not even bother to extensively question me on Tuesday. I would get both documentation that I called in sick and an extra day to come up with a great lie. I dialed the number and waited as the phone rang. All of a sudden I hear, "Hello?" Sh*t, my boss was in the office! I couldn't hang up because we had caller id at work, so I immediately panicked. Word vomit just kept spilling out of my mouth until I became a shoulder to lean on for my friend and co-worker, Tianna who was only skipping work on Monday because she found out that she was pregnant. I was supposedly taking her to the abortion clinic. I was clearly lyin my ass off. Tianna was really going to be out on Monday to close on her new home. She was going to cuss me the hell out on Tuesday, I know that much. All this for one stupid day off. I didn't even enjoy my "sick" day because I was too busy worrying about the altercation that was bound to happen between Tianna and I.

Just as I was drowning my sorrows in a bag of Doritos, my phone rang. It was Tianna. I figured it would be better to get cussed out in the privacy of my own home so I answered. "Hey girl, what's up?" I asked. "Don't play stupid b*tch! You know what's up," Tianna yelled. Ewww, she was pissed. However, I continued to play stupid, "No, I don't know!" "Girrrrl, the boss gave us the week off!", Tianna screamed. "What? Really?" I asked in astonishment. "Yeah, she told me that she once had an abortion in high school and was very understanding of how I must have been feeling. In the process, she said that we could have the day off, since I would need a shoulder to lean on." "So....you aren't angry at me?" "Naw, I was able to peep game, and I ended up telling her that you were really the one who had the abortion. I can't have a lie that drastic trickling down to that fine ass suga daddy lookin brotha in accounting...Shytttt, I'm tryin to get my mortgage paid. Girl, not only did we get some juicy gossip on the boss, but we got a week off! Let's go shopping!"

Despite the fact that I had a stack of counseling pamphlets on my desk the next week, you could say I got off pretty lucky. However, things may not work out so well for you. But there's a solution...There's a new book on the market called "The Sick Day Handbook" by Ellie Bishop. It only costs $10 and I'm sure it will help you out more that I obviously can. However, here's a few helpful tips Tianna, the excuse-ologist gave me.

1. Having a migraine is a good excuse. You don't want to do anything that would take you to the emergency room. Try adding a slew of sent "get well" flowers to your guilty conscious.

2. If you actually have children, go for the "My child is sick" over the "My elderly mother is sick". Kids are often sick so it's believable.

3. Keep the lie simple. Make sure you don't do what I did and take the lie too far. You want to get in and get out. The longer you talk the more questions are to be asked and soon you are having to remember an hour conversation about a rare disease caused by perm.

HAVE FUN ON YOUR DAY OFF!