Last week I came to a revelation: Ms. PacMan is a bitch.
My younger brother and his friends had gotten in the habit of chillin' at my new crib to use their Xbox and Playstation on my new Plasma. And I’m sure any coherent female can guess what game they play...that damn Madden. I really don't understand how guys can play the same game over and over again, with the same enthusiasm they had when they first purchased it. I attempted at living out the saying, "If you can't beat them, join them", but with my video game console experience consisting of the Atari 7800 and Nintendo, I didn't have a clue what the hell I was doing. I remember laughing hysterically when my mother made her first attempt at Super Mario Bros. Like most parents who are not tech-savvy, she thought if she turned her body to the right, as she held the controller, Mario would magically mimic her movements. Well, somehow, I must've caught the "grownup disease" because I was totally clueless with that stupid football game. My brother and his friends laughed and laughed, and I admit, I was a little embarrassed, but they were clearly in MY house, on MY television, and they would not get the best of me...I had a plan.
My brother and his crew of dimwits were constantly talking about how easy the old video games were. But, from my memory, the majority of those who beat Super Mario had a Game Genie, and I have yet to meet someone who has beaten Donkey Kong. Which got me to thinking, "hmmmm....All that trash talk and I bet their dumbasses can't even play Atari". Immediately, I jetted to my parents house and rummaged through some old boxes in the basement. I finally found my old Atari with a variety of games. After taking me nearly a century to figure out how to hook up my Atari to a brand new television, I was ready to brush up on my skills. At least I thought I was ready until I realized that I had to blow on the cartridges like 20 times until I could get the it to work, but after more than a little dust, things worked out. And like I predicted...the games were impossible. One of my girls mentioned how hard Ms. Pac Man was, but hard was an understatement. Ms. Pac Man had me cussin' out her and every single ghost on the screen. "Run BITCH!" I repeatedly screamed as I was tempted to bust out with a 2-year old tantrum. I then became obssesed and determined to outsmart "the man" also known as the computer. All this led to an addiction and I eventually tried out all of my old games. The old Atari is back and is the new crack...Hell to the naw!
With my new habit, my brother came over like usual, but things would be different. After calling my games everything from A-tracks to hockey pucks, I finally challenged my brother and his friends to a game of football....Atari football. And guess what? I got in that ass like toilet paper! And I realized that these poor children are being too spoiled by these new games. The old games required work. There weren't any fancy controllers...just a joystick with one button, and it was up to you to learn how to maneuver and tap that button to do tricks. There weren't any cheat codes...just three lives and you had better make it work.
Things are much different now. I am a respected video gamer. I taught my brother that, you may be able to beat anyone in the latest Madden, but you really ain't shit if you can't beat something as "easy" as Pac Man. You have to know how to crawl before you can walk.
If you can't dig out your old Atari, you can definitely find the old ones in the original boxes, with many games on Ebay. Or if you would like an improved throwback, then you can visit Atari.com and purchase the Atari Flashback at only $19.99. This is a great toy to have, and you can sit back after work and have a little fun. Also, if you have some disrespectful know-it-all siblings, this is a great lesson teaching tool. Additionally, if you have a boyfriend/husband/etc., use the Atari as a cute bargaining tool. Bet on a game of Donkey Kong or Frogger to get a candlelit dinner, massage, or those cute earrings you've been scopin' out.
Yo, don't sleep on Tetris or Duck Hunt!
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