5 means 7, by Merry Cherry

It had been at least 30 minutes and I was still waiting in her driveway. She said that she was walking towards the front door like 20 minutes ago. And she said she would be waiting outside when I called to say I was on my way, like an hour ago. I was just about to lay on the horn when she finally comes out of the house. She’s talking on the cell phone, sippin’ on a Capri Sun, and holdin’ a plate of breakfast wrapped in aluminum foil.

"Look at this bitch," I mumble to myself...I’m pissed.

After hanging up the phone, she says, “Sorry gurrrrl, I couldn’t find anything to wear.” She completely ignores the fact that while she couldn’t find an outfit, she managed to find enough time to cook herself an IHOP breakfast sampler with pancakes. After devouring a piece of bacon she says, “You need to step on it! We are going to be late.” My patience…gone. My stomach grumblin’…since I bypassed cooking myself breakfast so I could be ON TIME. We are stuck in traffic and she is smackin’ on food, telling me how to drive, making radio station demands, and we are clearly going to be late as hell to work. But rather than drop her ass off at the nearest bus station, I take a deep sigh and ask for a hash brown. For she is permanently in the carpool because she is my friend…my triflin’ friend.

We all have one. You gave her your old television for free, and she complains about how small it is. She brings last night’s leftovers to the pot luck. You are in a rush, yet she insists on waiting 30 minutes until the egg roll sample at Sam’s Club is finished cooking. She’ll take a hookup on a VIP pass to any club, even, a 50+ supper club. She’s never been on time in her life, yet the one day you are running a little late, she's majorly bitchin’. Always speaking before thinking, always on CPT, always thirsty for some free shit…She’s your triflin’ friend.

Unfortunately, a “triflin’ friend” is set in their ways for life, and cannot be changed. But there are a few things you can do to avoid the effects of their actions…

5 means 7. If you have to pick her up before you go out, you must tell her to be ready like 2 hours before you need to be at your destination. This way, she can bullshit all day long, but you will still be on time. For a more severe case of CPT, in addition to lying about the time, you must also go inside of her house and wait rather than sit in the car. Now you can see firsthand what she is doing and she has no room to get off track.

Just ask for money and take the initiative. You know she is going to drink a few Corona’s before bringing the 12-pack to the Super Bowl party. So why are you depending on her to get the liquor? You need to just pick up the party stuff yourself and have her give you the money for it. If she also has “never pay you back syndrome”, then you need to get the money up front before you go to the store.

Be selective. Stop taking every flyer that advertises a free party, and don’t lay any coupons or these types of things around in your house or car. Especially the ones that you can really throw in the garbage. You know if she sees it, she is going to want to go. She will want to drive an hour out to get that free 12 oz. drink from select Burger King’s. She will want to use that free pass to the 16 and older club that your younger sister left in the car. If you don’t want to go through the drama, throw that stuff away. Or at least only keep around the things that you wouldn’t mind doing. I’ll drive 15-30 minutes to get my Victoria’s Secret free panty, who wouldn’t? But there’s a fine line between good and bad free stuff.

The triflin’ friend can really work your nerves, but you gotta love ‘em. Just use these tips to get you through the rough times and you should be just fine.