MY FAMILY DOESNT DEPICT THE PERFECT FAMILY, WHERE MOTHER AND DAUGHTER DISCUSS EVERYTHING FROM THEIR FIRST PERIODS TO LOSING THEIR VIRGINITY. I KNOW PEOPLE WHO TELL THEIR MOTHERS EVERYTHING, AND WHEN I SAY EVERYTHING I MEAN IT. "MOM, I HAD SEX LAST NIGHT" AND "MOM, MY FRIEND SUSIE GOT SOOO DRUNK THAT WE HAD TO TAKE HER TO THE HOSPITAL." NOW, THE NEXT TIME SUSIE COMES OVER TO HER FRIENDS HOUSE, SHE WILL PROBABLY BE HANDED PAMPHLETS TO AN "AA" MEETING BY HER FRIENDS MOTHER. HOW EMBARASSING IS THAT? THOUGH MY PARENTS HAVE "BOBBY AND WHITNEY" MANNERISMS, I USED TO REPRESENT THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SPECTRUM. A FEW YEARS AGO IF YOU WERE TO ASK MY MOTHER ABOUT ME, SHE WOULD TELL YOU THAT I WAS THE PERFECT ANGEL, SAVING MYSELF UNTIL MARRIAGE. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING, "HER LYIN ASS". AND YES YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, BUT HOW MANY OF YOUR MOTHERS ACTUALLY KNOW THAT INSTEAD OF DRINKING A WINE COOLER ON OCCASION, THAT YOU ARE THROWIN BACK SHOTS OF VODKA EVERY WEEKEND BEFORE A PARTY? HOW MANY OF YOUR MOTHERS KNOW DETAILS OF YOUR SEX LIFE, OR EVEN THAT YOU HAVE A SEX LIFE AT ALL? WHO ACTUALLY TELLS THEIR MOTHER ABOUT A LATE NIGHT BOOTY CALL, A FRIEND WITH BENEFITS, OR THE HANDCUFFS THEY PURCHASED AT A SEX TOY PARTY? HELL, WHO EVEN TELLS THEIR MOTHER THAT THEY WENT TO A SEX TOY PARTY? HOW MUCH INFORMATION CAN YOU ACTUALLY SHARE WITH YOUR MOTHER WITHOUT FEELING LIKE A COMPLETE LIER OR A COMPLETE IRRESPONSIBLE DRUNKEN HOE? WELL, AFTER A RATHER INTERESTING EXPERIENCE, I THINK I MIGHT HAVE FOUND THE ANSWER...
ONE FRIDAY NIGHT MY FRIENDS AND I FOUND OURSELVES BORED OUT OF OUR MINDS. THERE WERE NO PARTIES, EVERYONE HAD ABOUT TEN DOLLARS TO THEIR NAMES, AND THE ONLY THING ON TELEVISION WAS A "REAL WORLD" MARATHON THAT WE HAD WATCHED THE NIGHT BEFORE. WHAT WERE WE TO DO? WELL, IN THE MIDST OF GIRL TALK WHICH USUALLY CONSISTED OF SOME FORM OF MALE BASHING, COMMENTS ON HOW BROKE WE WERE, AND ADMIRATION OF TYRESE'S OR 50 CENTS BODY, SOMEONE BLURTED OUT,"WE SHOULD GO SEE SOME MALE STRIPPERS!" AT FIRST EVERYONE WAS LOOKING AT THE CULPRIT, LIKE "BITCH, PULEEASE!" BUT THEN THERE WAS A MOMEMENT OF SILENCE. WE WERE ACTUALLY THINKING ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF GOING, WELL, AT LEAST I KNOW I WAS. AFTER A BRIEF THOUGHT OF A DARK HANDSOME MAN WITH A NICE BODY GLISTENIN' IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES...MMMMM...I DARTED TO THE NEAREST COMPUTER AND GOOGLED "MALE STRIP CLUBS". AFTER INTENSE SEARCHING, I FINALLY FOUND A PLACE ABOUT THIRTY MINUTES FROM US THAT JUST SO HAPPENED TO BE HAVING A MALE AMATEUR NIGHT THAT WAS STARTING IN JUST A MATTER OF TIME. NEEDLESS TO SAY THAT WE ALL PILED IN MY GIRLS CIVIC AND SPED OVER TO "ARNIES". WHEN WE PULLED UP TO "ARNIES" THE PARKING LOT WAS PACKED! I GUESS WE WEREN'T THE ONLY WOMEN ON THE PLANET, WILLING AND READY TO TREAT A MAN LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT. AFTER FINDING PARKING, WE SLOWLY HEADED TO THE DOOR. ONCE WE ENTERED, WE WERE OVERWHELMED WITH LOUD WHOOPIN' AND HOLLERIN', BLARING STROBE LIGHTS, THE STENCH OF BEER, A COMPLETEY NUDE MALE POPPIN' ON A HANDSTAND TO R. KELLY'S "BUMP AND GRIND", AND...I HOPE YOU ARE READY FOR THIS...A SLEW OF OLDER WOMEN! YES, YOU HEARD ME RIGHT! THERE WERE A TON OF OLDER WOMEN THROWING OUT DOLLAR BILLS AND YELLING THINGS LIKE,"SHAKE THAT ASS!" AND EVEN WORSE,"BRING THAT @#!? OVER HERE!" I EVEN SAW WOMEN SMACKIN' NAKED BUTTS! I WAS IN TOTAL SHOCK, HERE WE WERE FEELING GUILTY ABOUT GOING TO A MALE STRIP CLUB, AND WOMEN THAT COULD HAVE BEEN OUR OWN MOTHERS WERE THERE ACTIN' A DAMN FOOL. I FELT OUT OF PLACE, LIKE WE WERE INTRUDING ON "GROWN FOLKS BUSINESS", SO I WAS VERY HESITANT TO PULL OUT MY SINGLES. THAT WAS OFCOURSE UNTIL A GROUP OF WOMEN SHARING A BOTTLE OF CROWN ROYAL TURNED TO US AND YELLED," WHAT'S WRONG BABIES ARE YALL SCARED?" AND OUT OF NOWHERE A WOMAN WEARING A ONE-PIECE CATSUIT HANDED ME A SINGLE AND PUSHED ME ONTO THE STAGE AS IF SHE HAD GIVEN ME HER MOTHERLY APPROVAL. AFTER THAT IT WAS ON AND POPPIN'. MY FRIENDS AND I WERE ABLE TO LET LOOSE AND WE ENDED UP HAVING SO MUCH FUN THAT WE MADE A POINT TO COME BACK ONCE A MONTH.
SO BACK TO THE QUESTION AT HAND, HOW MUCH INFORMATION CAN YOU ACTUALLY SHARE WITH YOUR MOTHER WITHOUT FEELING LIKE A COMPLETE LIER OR A COMPLETE IRRESPONSIBLE DRUNKEN HOE? WELL, AFTER MY LITTLE STRIP CLUB EXPERIENCE, I LEARNED THAT YOU CANNOT ASSUME THAT YOUR MOTHER IS A COMPLETE PRUDE. DON'T FORGET THAT YOUR MOTHER WAS ONCE IN HER TWENTIES TOO, AND JUST BECAUSE SHE IS AN OLDER WOMAN DOESN'T MEAN THAT SHE STILL DOESN'T LIKE TO HAVE FUN. CHANCES ARE SHE'S LOOKING AT YOU LIKE YOU ARE A BIG LAME. ALL OF OUR MOMS HAVE MADE SNIDE REMARKS LIKE, "YOU ARE ALWAYS IN THE HOUSE!" OR ASKS, "HOW COME YOU NEVER GO ON ANY DATES?" OR EVEN SAYS,"I KNOW THIS NICE YOUNG MAN WHO IS SINGLE" . YOUR MOTHER ISN'T MAKING THOSE COMMENTS JUST TO START CONVERSATION. IF YOU HAVE BEEN ACTING COMPLETELY INNOCENT IN YOUR MOTHERS PRESENCE, SHE PROBABLY THINKS THAT YOU ARE A COMPLETE LONER, AND FEELS SORRY FOR YOU. BY NO MEANS AM I SUGGESTING THAT YOU TELL YOUR MOM EVERY DETAIL OF YOUR HOT AND STEAMY NIGHTS WITH A SIGNIFICANT OTHER, OR OF YOUR DRUNKEN NIGHTS WHICH RESULTED IN A MASSIVE HANGOVER. YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART WHAT THINGS WOULD JUST CRUSH YOUR MOTHER IF SHE WAS TO EVER FIND OUT, SO KEEP THOSE THINGS TO YOURSELF. JUST LIKE WE DON'T WANT TO EVER ENVISION OUR PARENTS HAVING SEXUAL RELATIONS, BEING STUPID DRUNK, OR PARTAKING IN BARELY LEGAL ACTIVITIES, THEY'D RATHER NOT PICTURE US DOING THOSE THINGS EITHER. BUT DON'T KEEP YOUR PARENTS COMPLETELY IN THE DARK, KEEP THINGS LIGHT AND RESPECTFUL. GOD FORBID THAT YOUR PARENTS GET A CALL THAT YOU HAVE BEEN ARRESTED FOR DRUNKEN DRIVING WHEN THEY DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE THAT YOU DRANK. OR EVEN WORSE, YOU COME HOME PREGNANT WHEN YOUR PARENTS THOUGHT YOU WERE A VIRGIN. SO HOW MUCH INFORMATION SHOULD YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER?
JUST ENOUGH TO KEEP YOUR MOM IN THE KNOW, WHILE KEEPING THE DETAILS ON THE LOW! REMEMBER THAT SIMPLE RHYME AND YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO ACT LIKE YOU ARE SPENDING TIME WITH THE GIRLS, WHEN YOU ARE REALLY MEETING UP WITH A HOTTIE FOR DRINKS. YOU CAN NOW SAY,"MOM, I'M GOING OUT ON A DATE...DON'T WAIT UP!" AND YOUR MOM, THOUGH SHE MAY STILL SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN UNTIL YOU HAVE MADE IT BACK HOME SAFELY, WILL RESPOND BY SAYING,"OK HONEY, HAVE A GOOD TIME, DON'T STAY OUT TOO LATE! DO YOU HAVE YOUR CELL PHONE? CALL IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, I'LL KEEP THE PORCH LIGHT ON FOR YOU...."
HEY, YOU CAN'T EXPECT A MIRACLE, A MOM IS STILL GOING TO BE A MOM, LOL.
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