THROWBACK OF THE DAY: I Find Myself Acting Like A Guy, by Pecan Perfection

“If…Most men would just realize that most women just want a little security; then maybe just maybe, I wouldn’t be writing this article.”

-Pecan Perfection

Or maybe I would, because this is for all the sisters that sit and wait for that call back, or for all the sisters, that go out to the club with their girlfriends, but steady check their watch because in actuality; they really don’t want to be there to begin with. And, this is for the girls that were so into a guy, but after watching Oprah just realized that, “He’s just not that into you”. I too, am a victim of a broken heart, and time and time again I’ve uttered the infamous words of Andre Benjamin’s song, "Prototype.” Dammit, I think I’m in love again. But then, one day something happened; I learned to separate the emotions. Or be damn good at not showing them at all. You know the emotions; the ones that come along with sex. The emotions that come along with not getting what you want, for example, the dates, the holidays together, the gifts to give and receive, and the “normal” things that are done in a relationship. Then it kicks in with the next dude, and the next one, and your ‘Bull-Shit’ detector starts to get the best of you so much that you use your radar for everyone. You’ve found yourself, “acting like a dude.” For the most part, I’m using this term because men are usually less emotional than women. So now, you are now emotionally detached. And that’s “actin’ like a dude.”

The dictionary defines emotional as:

• Arousing or characterized by intense feeling• To have feelings that are easily excited and openly displayed• Based on emotion rather than reason

Detached is defined as:

• Separate or disconnected, aloof.

Nicole Williams, single for a year now, describes her reason’s for being emotionally detached from some men she meets. “I just don’t want to go through the drama, I’m tired”. Well, I am too girl. www.coping.org gives insight as to why people become emotionally detached as they deal with life’s stressors. One reason is that we feel we can get control of the situation. Ahh yes… Control! We want to control, the daily things that happen in our lives, we want to control the way others perceive us, but let’s keep in mind that control and responsibility are too different things, and one must take full responsibility in order to have control in there lives. Is this clicking yet? So…you meet a guy. You do or say things in order for him to like you. You want to have control over the way he will behave. Well like it or not, he already knows how he’s going to act, even if you are trying to CATER 2 Him. Solution: Be yourself. That’s what attracted him to you in the first place. For most guys, yes it’s the booty jeans or the fact you had one too many drinks but trust, he won’t be around long enough for that dream wedding in your head. Let’s get back to the basics. You want control. Ginger Blume, PhD writes that you should avoid emotional detachment, even if we do want to protect our own feelings. Um.... 2nd reason; hope you’re taking notes, could be to protect our own feelings. I mean this makes complete sense. Who wants to “get played"? Especially, after you’ve slept with him and noticed that those intense feelings you had for him were not reciprocated. The last reason is a theory simply called the attachment theory. It speculates that early in childhood, your attachment to your parents stimulates and develops the part of your brain that allows for emotional growth. If you have a dysfunctional relationship with your parents, the theory is that the emotional centers in your brain become disconnected, and they don't fully develop. Um... ring a bells a bell for some of us women who didn’t have a father growing up. I’m not a therapist or a doctor; these are all merely experiences from my own personal life, a couple generalizations mixed with a little research. Ways to tell you are “acting like a dude”, oops I mean emotionally detached are:

• calling for booty calls after excessive drinking. Especially calling someone you would have not intentions sleeping with if you were sober.

• If a guy is showing too much affection, you pull away, because you think it may give you control. You know the ball is in your court. He’s the one who is whipped

• If you are in a so-called committed relationship but still have “friends with benefits”• If you are having sex with a person and can be okay with the fact that he did not think of you as, “wifey material.”

• You don’t give yourself “me time” in between relationships or flings.

So if you can identify with any of these signs, in my opinion, I think you should “think.” Think about your ideal situation, are you finding it with your current significant other. Do you want more? Do you want to be seen in public with each other, come on, I know you do. Write a list. I know Star Jones said to do this and this is supposedly how she met “AL” hum... but that’s a whole ‘nother' topic. Seriously, write a list out with what “you” want out of a mate. Be reasonable. Yes, men are human too. Get a hobby. Do something that you’ve always wanted to do. Kickboxing classes, baking classes’…things that you are interested in always keep your mind off the drama. Remember my comments and suggestions are just those, and it could very well be a broad generalization. Don’t be afraid if you may need to talk to someone, a counselor, best friend, or your mom. I am a hopeless romantic. And I dream of the day, where I can find love. Until then, I guess I’ll drink that Smirnoff and call, “what’s his name” when I get horny, and not even cry when he leaves in the morning, because that’s just how you have to play the game sometimes.