THROWBACK OF THE DAY: The Home Depot Hustle

The Home Depot Hustle

Purchasing your first home is a metamorphic event. You are no longer under the obligations of rental living; nor, are you relegated to the restive covenants of living at home with your mama. You can finally fix your bacon-breakfast-biscuit in you birthday suit. I purchased my first home this summer, after a uneventful house hunt. I bought in a “up and coming” (still corner action around the block) South Side Chicago neighborhood. The vintage condo is accented with ornate crown molding, antiquated original cabinetry, and deeply varnished hardwood floors. However, my vintage condo was in need of some serious TLC. I bought the three bedroom, two bathroom, 2000 square feet condo at a great price. But, I was in for a surprise when I begin the renovation. Here begins my Home Depot woes.

The Theory

Once upon a time, Pecan Perfection mentioned that Home Depot was an excellent place to meet a man. She theorized that men who frequent this store MUST be good with their hands. However, she did not mention that Home Depot is the Mecca for the Handy-man Hustlers of Home Improvement.

Here, Take My Card!

While in the process of looking for tile, a three-fingered brother in a one-piece painter’s suit approaches me. “Hey, uh, you know I do everything. Here, take my card.” Note to self, he might actually be some good considering he is missing a few body parts. Ten minutes later at the register, this same brother is asking me for some loose change because he left his wallet in the car. WTF? Let me make a prediction. This man is the type of repairman who only wants to get paid in cash. As soon as he gets paid, he has the potential to disappear for several weeks, leaving me with a gutted kitchen and no plumbing.

Everybody, and They Mama!

Over budget and tired. Rushing and stressing. I was looking for paint to go in my kitchen and my bathrooms. Money was getting tight and my patience was disintegrating. I’m picking up paint samples and trying to figure out what colors would complement my home. As I glance to my left, I notice two men walking down the aisle. A hostile and bitchy grimace must have come across my face. One immediately said, “Ay . . . I ain’t trying to talk to you. I just wanted to know if you had someone to paint, because you know, I paint.” I beg your pardon! No, I’m not interested in your services. Are you that strapped for customers that you have to solicit in Home Depot? I’m sorry, but I must decline!

Time to Pick Out Cabinets

An extremely knowledgeable and helpful gentleman was helping me pick out my cabinets. He took his time designing my kitchen cabinets according to my measurements. He answered my questions and offered his suggestions. I was overwhelmed by the competent and skillful customer service. The man, who is clearly the beneficiary of a social security check, flirts with me as he calculates the cost of my cabinets. Not a problem! Who knows, maybe he can give me a discount? Then, here comes the side hustle! “Who are you going to get to install the cabinets?” Damn, is everybody at this home improvement store, customers and staff, moonlighting as a handyman? I told the man that I not only had someone to install them, I had a crew who was going the load and unload the cabinets onto their truck, drive them to my home, and carry them to my third floor apartment. Are you still interested? Nonetheless, the gentleman was helpful and polite, but his actions yielded a NEW theory.

Yes you might be able to find a date at Home Depot. But the date might be with a leaky faucet and a three-fingered handy man instead of Mr. Right.